I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
You Might Also Like
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Cucumbers Anonymous
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife: