I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
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Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Selfie
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
23. the denim jacket
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password