Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
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Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
this country is so goddamn polarized
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.