Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *knocking* hello is anyone home

mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock

me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood

No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.

My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.

If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.

I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.

WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?

ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.

Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.

Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm

said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it

The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”

He’s 14.

“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”

[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend

I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move

Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy

Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.

I put the p in pants.

jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross

I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.

At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game

Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?

[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]

Security guard: sir do you have business here?

Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone

SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker

cop: where u headed

me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat

cop: [handing me his gun] good luck

escape room employee: would you like a hint?

me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen

My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds

When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.

Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses

When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-

She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.

I know this now.

[job interview]

willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies

oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position

[after wife gives birth]

wife: he has your eyes

me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby

Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.

Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.

Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.

Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.