I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
You Might Also Like
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Always
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Have kids, they said
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Yup!
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.