I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
You Might Also Like
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Always tell people different stories about yourself so when they talk about you they’ll argue
Before crowbars crows drank alone
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde