I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
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I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Working with older people is annoying sometimes. Sir, your lunch at my age was Gin. Why you hassling me about adding salad dressing?!
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom