Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?

my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast

After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.

I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.

16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.

I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.

[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!

As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.

[giving wedding toast for my cousin]

…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—

My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.

The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.

Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.

We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:

-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40

More info soon.

ME: *watching a meteor shower

METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.

I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.

My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.

Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.

Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?

one of

both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight

New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.

[at restaurant]

me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.

waiter: what can i get you?

me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh

There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”

Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.

Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!

Booking Police Officer: …

so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it

Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?

Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?

5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.

5:22am: Oh good.

Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?

why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?

[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*