Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right

Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back

so I asked him to move.

I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.

And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.

Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???

Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you

Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset

My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.

Me: God grant me the serenity.

God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.

Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.

Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around

Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂

Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.

Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?

Wife: why do you ask?

Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.

Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.

Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.

you can run but you can’t hide

*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*

Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium

The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.

Him: tell me about your longest relationship

Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?

I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges

[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]

How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?

ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.

I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.

FRIEND: what’s new?

ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company

FRIEND: hertz?

ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does

Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.

Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.

-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse

Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.

did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment

We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.

{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?

Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.

Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?