I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
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Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
me when i smell free food in the break room
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
“I need an answer to a question, but I’m not looking for the same old information from all the books and articles. I want the real truth.”
“I feel like your first mistake may have been coming to the building with all the books and articles.”
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?