I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
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We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
coworker: we’re all gonna go to dinner next thursday. you in?
me: no thanks i’m not hungry
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
[Zoom meeting with boss while working from home]
Boss: I need you to finish your projec-
[4 kids run by me. One is on fire, one is naked, 2 are in ski masks]
Boss: Never mind
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
About to watch Tenet for the first time and I enjoyed it
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”