I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
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My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave