Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cashier: I love your lip gloss!

Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.

Me My dog

Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up

[at a dance]

HER: why don’t you take the lead

ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya

Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.

Change my mind.

When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.

“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”

*Go to a bar you Hate

*Put $50 in the Jukebox

*Play nothing but Nickelback

*Leave

What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?

A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.

11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.

Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.

11: Never mind.

Hello Darkness my old friend.

Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.

The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people

GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*

*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*

[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]

I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.

My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.

sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”

“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.

If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.

cat people: dogs are fine

dog people: cats are sent from the devil

My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.

Isn’t that precious?

No. He’s 20.

This is a post about animal excrement and the English language.

bull$#!% = nonsense/lies
chicken$#!% = petty or cowardly
horse$#!% = nonsense/lies
dog$#!%= low quality
ape$#!% = wild
bat$#!%= crazy

Ordered above from oldest to newest: bull$#!% (1914), bat$#!% (1971).

ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.

If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.

Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”

Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”

“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”

– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.

*eats a carrot*

*checks off new year’s resolution*

The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.

Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.

Me: I told him he would look good in it.