I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
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“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!