I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
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I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Wearing thermal leggings at my age means I need to go to the toilet 3 minutes before I need to go to the toilet.
me opening up to someone
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
