I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
You Might Also Like
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
feeling melancholy. think I’ll have a drink and make things much worse
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now