Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5: let’s play the quiet game.

Me: Okay

5: ready..? Start.

Me:

5:

Me:

5: whoever talks first is the loser.

It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.

[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”

“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”

Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist

*Squatting over cat litter box*

Husband: What the fu-

Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM

Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme

The fall of Netflix

witch: what do u need?

me: a spell to make my dad proud

dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable

Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.

[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere

Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying

First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice

USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not

ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]

WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.

This week, we’re celebrating International No Wi-Fi Day! 📴✨
#WawawiwaComics

You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…

…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.

If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.

Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??

ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.

BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?

Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated

I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.

It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest

Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.

Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.

Boss: Need a new battery?

Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.

when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready