I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
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i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Traded my Fitbit in for a Sitbit
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
real
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave