I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
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“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’