Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.

We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.

Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant

Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.

I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.

My 8yo ran inside and scooped up a huge handful of halloween candy to sell to the neighbor kids, and when I told him to just give them out, responded with: they can have the first one free, then they have to pay

Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.

Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.

“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”

Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu

My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.

But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…

Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.

Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner

GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.

ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?

If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.

My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence

Professor X: So what’s your power?

Me: I can heal immediately-

X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.

Me: -from any emotional wounds.

X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.

Me: I’m completely ok with that.

You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?

When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.

Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office

Satan: yeah, welcome to hell

Me: well, I guess it could be worse

Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.

Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.

[at 25yr class reunion]

Me: You haven’t changed at all!

Her: Hahaha, thanks

Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane

*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:

oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now

spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks

Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.

visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing

You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.

Owls are just nocturnal pug birds