I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
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Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
*praying for world peace*
God:
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?