Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CSI: North Pole

Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.

Chief: Did you find hoof prints?

Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.

If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.

6yo: I’m giving myself a challenge

me: what is it

6yo: I’m going to get $99 by my birthday

me: how are you going to do that

6yo:

me:

6yo: no idea

Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?

Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit

Hubs: um…

Me: oh bugger!

MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?

I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother

ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—

I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother

I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.

[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.

SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:

was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?

ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?

[first date]

Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?

Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*

Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.

take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.

I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!

Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol

therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin

her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say

Yes Pony Express?

I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?

How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?

DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him

ME: cool

[later]

TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?

ME: yeah

TREE: cool just checkin

*in hell*

Devil: so what are you here for

Them: I invented ice breaker activities

No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.

I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.

I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.

But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.

*at the vet*

me: my new cat won’t stop hissing

vet: ma’am this is a cockroach

me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off

Laziness is a dish best served delivered.

Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.

You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.

Things that are likely to kill me:

1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework

Me: I’m a scorpion.

Date: You mean scorpio?

Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.

Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!

[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/

Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energy

Reality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy

[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´･ω･)
/　 ⌒ヽ
(人＿＿つ_つ

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