I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.

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My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.


It’s oddly fitting that most Americans celebrate Presidents’ Day by taking the day off and not doing the job they were hired to do.


“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”

“Sweet! We should hang out!”

– Ear buds


Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?

Store mannequin:


Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch


People can’t drive.

Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.

What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??


You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.


[end of interview]

Any questions for me?

Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?