@VerbsRProudest

I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.

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@dadmann_walking

I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.

@KentWGraham

I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.

@SortaBad

Body: go to sleep

Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this

@DanKCharnley

Shake what your momma gave ya!

*shakes old decorative wreath*

(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)

@FredTaming

her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir

me: can i get 7

her: no

me: 8

her: no

me: 9

her: no

me: 10

her: you can’t do this forever

me: are you even familiar with numbers

her: yes?

me: 11

@hippieswordfish

[bus stop]
‘help! is there a doctor around?’
im a dr
‘this guy got shot’
how does that make you feel
‘what are u doing?’
im a psychiatrist

@Fred_Delicious

[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”

@HomeProbably

Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?

Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.

Therapist: what? No.