@VerbsRProudest

I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.

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@DrunkSocialite

My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.

@jwoodham

It’s oddly fitting that most Americans celebrate Presidents’ Day by taking the day off and not doing the job they were hired to do.

@Writepop

“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”

“Sweet! We should hang out!”

– Ear buds

@junejuly12

Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?

Store mannequin:

@kateberlant

Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch

@jannable9

People can’t drive.

Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.

What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??

@AaronNevins

You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.

@BlairLoudly

[end of interview]

Any questions for me?

Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?

YOU ARE SO HIRED.