I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
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Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
this is funnier than any friends episode
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man