Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.

Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show

I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy

‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’

~The monster under my bed

Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.

Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.

Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.

Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome

My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.

My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster

Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here

I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business

Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’

Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.

God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away

Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this

I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.

I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.

There should be a product swap booth on the way into Costco, you can bring the massive package of snacks that your kid used to like and exchange it for the huge box of snacks that some other kid has rejected

When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.

His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s

If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.

11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.

Me: Why?

11: To practice making sounds.

Me: You mean notes?

11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.

Lucky us.

(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat

people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving

Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”

[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas

[Painfully long pause]

ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking

Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.

My kids: what are we having for…

ME: LEFTOVERS

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade

*flirting with a guy at work*

Soooooo, what do you do for a living?

I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget