I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
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I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Where’s my employee discount too?
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Kids today will never understand how many ninjas there were in the 1980s.
me: i heard you were talking shit about me to your mom.
my niece (who’s 12): yeah. did you want to hear it again, or did you get everything?
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Dog’s confession but adopted a full pedigree “failed” Border Collie sheepdog from a farm. Took him to sister-in-law’s place who had a footstool made of real sheep’s wool. Turns out reason he’s a “failed” sheepdog is coz he’s scared of sheep. Apparently even sheep’s wool is scary
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Mom: I need your email address.
Me: okay it’s Rodlacroix-
Mom: WAIT. R…
Me: Mom-
Mom: O-
Me:
Mom: Okay then what?
Me: MOM IT IS LITERALLY MY NAME
I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th