Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.

Have kids, they said.

Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.

Me: Here you go.

Her: WTF?

Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.

Her: I said gelatin mold!

Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*

If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.

Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook

A party without Vodka is just a meeting.

Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”

I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.

black friday used to have heart. i wanna see someone get clocked for a wii

If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times

I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.

I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.

[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]

Crying is a sign of leakness.

can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise

*first day as a magician*

Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!

Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.

Me: no it isn’t

My shirt: no it isn’t

What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?

Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.

My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.

My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.

I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum

The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed

Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent

I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.

After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.

You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!

I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them

Husband:

Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.

[hanging out in my basement]

Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.

Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.