I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
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My 9yo wanted to be a doctor but now he wants to be an Australian breakdancer. Thanks, Olympics.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
telling myself i’m too self aware for therapy as i repeat a pattern of behavior i’ve been trying to break since age 14
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
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waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.