I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
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casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
bury ourselves
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Like sleeping!
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Me: *looking fly*
Target self-checkout camera: lol no
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this