I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
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Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic