Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”

*at family function..

*superglues jenga tower

Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree

I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.

True story.

I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.

The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.

Wife: WHERE IS THE PACK OF HERSHEY BARS I WAS GOING TO USE FOR S’MORES

Me [mouth full, face covered in chocolate]: we wer gunna haf smors?!

Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.

me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast

I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.

I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.

Archaeology.

Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians

If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.

I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.

On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore

Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.

(Not mine, but very lovely)

If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard

You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.

But I don’t suggest you point.

had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep

leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”

My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?

Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?

Me: I follow my heart…

I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.

Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro

Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure

Quarantine log, Day 8:

Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.

Me: What for? You have plenty of food.

Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.

Me:

Me: You can talk!

Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶

Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?

Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶

I like my women how I like my microwaved food.

Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.

Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.

*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*