Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

incredible text to wake up to

What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!

If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.

I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.

I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning

(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.

WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down

She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.

I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.

She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video

9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet

1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?

[2 days into diet]

Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change

apparently this year was written by stephen king

Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.

If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.

Headache Protip:

Bang your toe into something.

I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.

Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?

Do strangers call to pay my bills?

And if they do, why don’t you let them?

I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.

Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.

Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.

Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon

[itsy bitsy spider diary]

Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.

The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.

“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”

Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?

The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.

I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.

*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*

I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?