@marebytes

I have a fantasy that a big strong man shows up at my door, comes in unannounced & slowly, quietly & methodically renovates my bathroom

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@halloweenbears

If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake

@GinGander

Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.

@CarolinaSong

BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!

@CandyEmpires

Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.

@wolfpupy

i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day

@HatfieldAnne

I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.

@Cheeseboy22

Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.

@GingerHotDish

Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?

Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.

Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.

@truegritrumble

WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*

@kbnoswag

Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste