if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
I have a fantasy that a big strong man shows up at my door, comes in unannounced & slowly, quietly & methodically renovates my bathroom
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A Little girl asked her father: Do all fairy tales begin with Once upon a time? Father: No, some begin with – If elected I promise..
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
“I probably shouldn’t have said that out loud”
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to dust” for the past week.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.