Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
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I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story