I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
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5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
My Uber driver has crazy rules. I can talk, but anything I say can be used against me in a court of law?
It’s also kind of alarming that he has a full laptop setup and a shotgun in his front seat.
The cuffs I understand. Never can be too careful.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Of course I have critical thinking skills I’m thinking critically of you right now.
These 3D printers are insane!
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?