I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
You Might Also Like
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
