“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
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I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
This is a bad sign
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
How to make infinite energy.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up