“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
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What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” oh it’s ok you can just kill me next time
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Oh hi lol
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.