The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
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I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
also my go-to takeaway order
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.