@RefractReality

I have a feeling his life would have gone in a different direction had his name been Kanye East.

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@YesNoSuper

“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup

@VerifiedDrunk

Life is full of people you can’t have and people you don’t want.

@Gupton68

Dr: How may I help?

Me: Wife says I’m overweight

D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands

[later]

Wife: How’d it go?

M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music

@undeadmolly

My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.

@pinupteacher

The “Ooooo” the audience makes during a sitcom kiss but for me when I finally take a shower.

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Two guys in CA walked off cliff playing Pokémon.

Natural selection accelerated at 9.8 m/sec².

@MelvinofYork

*watching tv

Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”

Wife: (turns off wedding video)

@3sunzzz

“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”

~History

@delusions_of

I’m like a Rubik’s Cube. Seems fun at first but eventually you’ll want to rip me apart.