Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4-year-old: What’s that?

Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.

*eats her bacon*

I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.

So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…

Girls Just Want To Have Naan

6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes

Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.

CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Buy presents.

2) Pretend you could afford it

3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.

What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?

It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.

ㅤ

[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]

Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji

All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.

Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then

*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!

Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?

Husband: GET UP!

It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.

10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex

I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”

we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone

[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted

I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.

Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval

A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’

I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.

me: hit that tree with your fist

hitman: that’s not what i do

me: hundred bucks

hitman: no

me: will you punch a house

Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.

We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.

my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus

ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know

If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not

– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg

Name this drama.

Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.