Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster

Life of an Editor:

I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”

It was “sheepishly,” folks.

idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels

I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it

Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad

a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti

When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.

My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING

ME: want to see me do a head stand

BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here

This chapter of my life is called.

“Pushing a pull door”

Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’

Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.

[watching video of an amazing feat]

Age 20: i could do that

Age 30: he’s amazing

Age 40: doesn’t that guy work

Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.

“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct

Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.

The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.

[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid

2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.

Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..

But there are holes in your arguments.

My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.

That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…

Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device

Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?

Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN

falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that

No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.

Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:

1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium

Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.

Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.

me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite

gf: how did you get bitten by a tree

Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.

Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 years

Angel: horses?
God: 20

Angel: cats?
God: 15

Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTY

Angel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about flies

Angel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol