I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
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My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
You can get poptarts but you can’t get momtarts because of the pastryarchy.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular