I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
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A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
tinder is all about the long game
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *