Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are

[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult

Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life

If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.

Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.

how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day

Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.

WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.

SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.

“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.

My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.

Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?

I like my whiskey like my marriage….

On the rocks.

Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder

I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.

[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.

Harvey Dent:

Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”

me: i just quit cold turkey

turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change

Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentator

Pfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand

[Chopped episode]

“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”

Me *opening Oreos*

“Clock hasn’t started.”

Me: There’s cookies.

“Those are for your dish.”

Me *munching*
There’s cookies.

The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.

I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.

It was a twerk-place injury.

Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.

Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”

Don’t throw away old pyjamas. Collect as many pairs as you can, and in the middle of the night spread them out on Russell Brand’s front lawn so that when he wakes up he’ll think he’s missed the Rapture.

Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint

[slips the bus driver £20]

“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”

Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no

if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.

(in job interview)
my greatest strength is how quickly i can create a hostile work environment and my biggest weakness is that i love too deeply and im constantly befriending fake people. i have no experience as a barista.

My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.