I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
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Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
I didn’t realize that was an option
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
This is the best one I’ve seen
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.