I have a folder on my desktop named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is a bunch of stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is still more stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”I don’t even know how many layers deep it goes at this point.
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Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
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Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.