I have a folder on my desktop named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is a bunch of stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is still more stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”I don’t even know how many layers deep it goes at this point.
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PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Throwing a Don’t Kill Yourself Dinner Party where everyone brings a dish so delicious that we remember why life is worth living
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Icarus loved hot wings.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
If this doughnut and ice cream are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 2001-2003?
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.