Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?

[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.

“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know

Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?

Me: You sound like my wife.

There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.

8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?

Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts

8: Can we buy some after he dies?

Me: Sure

Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…

My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.

“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”

RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?

HAIR: Yeah!

RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.

Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.

I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.

When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.

Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it

“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”

“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”

The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.

[1st day as judge]

Murderer: [waves at me]

Me [waves back]: He seems nice

Lawyer: He killed six people

Me: He probably didn’t mean it

uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage

I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets

*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?

New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75

Never talking to anyone:

Priceless.

If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot

What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else

If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.

So it was a happy ending

Life hack :

Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.

[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to

Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving

if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you

The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.

He’s got some nerve.

“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”

The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.

Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?

Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.