Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.

Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.

*at reading of my will*

Executor: *opens envelope*

‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’

Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”

I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.

I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.

THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood

THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…

THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing

[during sex]

Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.

love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue

Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.

Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….

Some people were born into their job.

Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?

Me: Definitely an alive person

Friend:

Me: Better conversation

the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product

THERAPIST: You need more friends

ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week

THERAPIST: …

ME: …

THERAPIST: … So all of these-

ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys

[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.

[Hair Salon]

Stylist: What would you like?

Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.

thats my bad

Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.

Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.

Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete

Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here

I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.

For the baby who has everything

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely

Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.

Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?

Me: *stops the car* get out!

I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.

Me: Green please
God: All gone

Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone

Me: Blue
God: Gone

Me: Whatever, just make them big
God: Done

Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy

another case of gang violins

The horror. The apostrophe’s.

Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.

Then I thought of you.

Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.