Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.

I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.

me: let’s circle back around and touch base

baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it

Wife: You put the wrong date on this.

Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.

Wife: You wrote 1992.

How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what

Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.

Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.

Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.

Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.

My plans: 2020:

I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.

Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

Waiter: how did u find your meal

Me: *sweating* i…i looked down

I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.

*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube

Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b

I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy

I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings

The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.

I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.

Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.

Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…

Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.

Final Destination: Holiday Edition.

NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?

ME: No

NURSE: Do you do drugs?

ME: *sigh* No

NURSE: Are you sexually active?

ME: *just starts crying*

Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.

So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.

“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously

Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.

You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.

I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.

I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.

My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate

parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are

Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.