Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame

why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”

If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.

Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?

How long do you have to wait between naps?

Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks

Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches

I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”

If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.

Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?

I do. Now.

Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.

Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.

This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”

boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT

Although my parachute instructor was calm and softly spoken he always made me jump .

My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.

It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity

I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.

It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.

-everyone on Twitter

me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you

The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.

Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.

*police searching my home

So, the coffin is for Halloween?

Yes. Yes it is.

My 6-year-old has recently decided his chicken wings need to be eaten with a fork & knife.

I told him to eat with his hands like usual since he was clearly struggling, and he said, “Mom, I’m older now. Why are you trying to make me eat wild? Like a wolf?”

Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone

The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.

[using Apple Pay]

Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple

doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.

chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS

This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.

it’s dangerous to go alone, take this

Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!

*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*

*orders some*

i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me