I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.
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customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
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Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?
me: yes
[next time opening the document]
microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
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I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED