I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.
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I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.