Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

are there any atheist mantises?

I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.

Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable

“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.

[ day 2 of self quarantine ]

me: i’m bored

my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe

take the quarantine challenge!

come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods

I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.

Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”

Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”

this sign has the same social anxiety i have

[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?

Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.

Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites

Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.

“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.

“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison

Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.

This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”

What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?

Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?

The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess

If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor

walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane

Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”

Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”

I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.

You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.

Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?

“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”

– Toddlers

Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.

Friend: Long time?

Me: Since lunchtime.

Friend: Until?

Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.

I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot

HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.