i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
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I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
being productive at work is EASY with a disciplined routine: I spend the first 6 hours doing nothing at all, and the final 2 hours in absolute SICKO mode with the fear of god inside me
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.
To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on