i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
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Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI show up drunk on Fridays and sexually harass my coworkers
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
My wife is talking about the seriousness of hazardous waste and I’m eating ham (that I hid in a tricky corner of a fitted sheet while pretending to fold it) and wow it’s crazy, right?!
*slowly chews the ham*
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
starting a garage orchestra
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.