I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
For 23 years, I’ve been taking the minutes for the monthly regional managers meeting. Nobody has ever asked to view them before, so since going wfh I’ve been using the meetings to do my online food shop instead. I’ve just been asked for the minutes from our January meeting.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
I’m giving up eating chocolate for a month. sorry bad punctuation. I’m giving up. Eating chocolate for a month
Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
an octopus is just a wet spider
People always ask me why I listen to audiobooks on my headphones while I’m in the gym. It’s because I can’t read.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
