I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that
My body: are you serious? have you seen us?
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
