I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
no!! no!!!!!!
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
My brother and dad have been arguing over a broken PS1 since February 2000. My brother said my dad broke it one night drunk. Truth is my mate broke it claiming he knew how to chip it and I’ve never told anyone. My mum is on my brother’s side. Comes up at least 5 times a year.
Welcome to parenting — the only hobbies you have left are the ones you can do in the bathroom.
When the moon hits your eye
Like it’s 5:45,
That’s November
