I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.
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Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
The Compass
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Yoga Matt
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?