I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.
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When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
30 minutes was not the right answer.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.