Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.

Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?

The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.

I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.

Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.

One cool thing about getting older is that you’re not asked about your long term plan very much.

If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.

“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”

Movie Idea:

Lohan.

Bynes.

Statham.

DEATH RACE 2

Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.

I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.

My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

mom: please, please just go play with the other children

christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed

Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.

My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.

The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…

[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”

*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule

I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin

Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever

Her: I really can’t stay

Him: Baby, it’s cold outside

Her: I’m Canadian, I can handle it

you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet

I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”

Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.

Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.

After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.

*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.

Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!