I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
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Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
look bro it’s not gay, i just wanna sleep nestled into your arm because it allows me to angle my head at the perfect 37 degree angle that relieves my nasal congestion
is getting good sleep gay now
is it homosexual to be alert in normal daylight hours