I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
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It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
i will avenge u mr van gogh
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
11: (squeezes my face) It’s just like squeezing SpongeBob
Me: Why?
11: (laughs)Because your face is full of holes
𝙋𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨, 𝙨𝙝𝙚’𝙨 𝙩𝙖𝙡𝙠𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙢𝙮 𝙥𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨
𝙃𝙚𝙧 𝙧𝙤𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙨 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙙𝙞𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙡𝙞𝙘𝙖𝙡
Well, that didn’t work.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks