I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
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Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Just me?
Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Only a mother’s love …
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
[me, a people pleaser]: “no doctor that’s okay, whatever type of blood you have is fine”
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.