Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB

Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.

How can you tell a vampire has the virus?

He’ll be coffin.

what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise

I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.

ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice

HER: do you mind?!

ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*

I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.

I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.

So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?

Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.

ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.

CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.

[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this

I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.

If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.

Her: Give me a chat up line?

Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?

Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?

Me: No, you smell like an animal.

I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.

My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.

video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.

I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.

Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T

16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds

im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it

“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”

I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game

Skywritten letters:

SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR

I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.

My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….

if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long

I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?

Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken