I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
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You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower
I’m in a hotel and someone named Emily has multi mode turned on. Should I connect to her speaker and put on this playlist
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Attacked by a mop.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue