@ADHDeanASL

I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.

She’s bardcore.

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@delusions_of

Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have herpes. Laugh all you want, you’ll still have herpes.

@AimeeHelene1

Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*

What happened?!

Me: There was a spider.

@thenatewolf

*angrily throws glass of bourbon into the fireplace*

I’M SORRY MY RUDE WIFE DIDN’T OFFER YOU A DRINK, MR. FIRE!!!!

@OhYeahILied

“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.

@lafpgh

Sure, I’d love to Skype with you. Just hold on a sec while I brush my hair and undergo various cosmetic surgery procedures.

@HenpeckedHal

Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?

@karanbirtinna

Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.

@wesjohnson8

My parents never asked me to run away from home, but there were many unexplained one way tickets.

@ChicksRule

[being held hostage]

Me: this is nice

Kidnapper: what

Me: I love to be held