Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have herpes. Laugh all you want, you’ll still have herpes.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
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Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
Me: There was a spider.
*angrily throws glass of bourbon into the fireplace*
I’M SORRY MY RUDE WIFE DIDN’T OFFER YOU A DRINK, MR. FIRE!!!!
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Sure, I’d love to Skype with you. Just hold on a sec while I brush my hair and undergo various cosmetic surgery procedures.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Me: Alexa am I drunk?
Roll of paper towels:
My parents never asked me to run away from home, but there were many unexplained one way tickets.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Me: I love to be held