I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
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Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
the three branches of government
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’