Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Love bombing?

I’ve never even been love water ballooned

If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.

none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks

Me: Those shoes are fresh!

12: Mom. No.

Me: Don’t be whack.

the simulation is moving too fast

Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.

CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir

I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.

[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are

[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*

Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind

Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?

DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.

Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.

I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks

Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on

[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em

As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!

I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.

Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.

-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will

People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?

‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’

😂😂

Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.

Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.

[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?

tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever

ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook

84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them

“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist

[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister