I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
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I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.