I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
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“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift