Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.

I’m sorry what now?!

astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them

not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it

“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.

Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.

Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”

ME: i trained my cat to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: name an object pronoun

CAT: me-

ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt

CAT: -ow

HER: this sucks

ME: patience

CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda

Dumplings,

problems i need

Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.

My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.

It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.

[Party]

Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody

Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb

Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”

H: It’s called a wine stopper.

Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”

Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.

Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?

Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.

H:

Me:

H: I think it’s time to take a break…

Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.

H: …from twitter

[pushing my son in his stroller]

Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?

Me: 35

Stranger: I was talking to him

Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.

If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.

My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.

That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.

Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.

”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice

I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.

Me: I’ll have a medium coffee

Barista: That’ll be $3.95

Me: With a splash of almond milk

Barista: That’ll be $17.95

“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁

Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people

Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?

Me: Perfect

I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard

Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend

Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say