Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it

[in the insect dissection room]

Your fly is open.

Them: This is a knife for cutting cake

Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake

Them:

Me: Oh

me: i love pillow talk

pillow: hello

me: what the hell

They should make a tanning bed that constantly rolls you over like a gas station hotdog.

me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.

also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*

“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”

[after divorce]

I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.

I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.

My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download

Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.

Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.

They’re millennial falcons.

“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”

If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.

When I was in elementary school, I won first place in three years of science fairs. When my daughter was in elementary school, I also won first place in three science fairs.

HIM: I like your shirt!

ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks

ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,

THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.

ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.

THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY

BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.

You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.

White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]

hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.

I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.

*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.

*calls restaurant*

Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?

Host: Of course it is sir

*hangs up*

A telemarketer just called my cell phone.

I pretended to be a phone sex operator.

HE didn’t hang up.

…things got awkward.

Still laughing at this stupid meme

I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall

Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single

I had a 77 Datsun pickup. I came out of the mall and drove home in the wrong 77 Datsun pickup. The key worked.

Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*

Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this